I pretty much let 2015 and 2016 pushed me around to the point that I don't feel like I'm actually living (metaphorically). It felt like I slipped into both years unwillingly and it is evidently obvious in my monthly planner where I only have minutes in pencil scribbles throughout the twelve months! I'm guilty as charged - I was not being myself.
I feel kinda bad, but nahhh, 2016 has ended, by the way.

But there's something about 2017.
I've not been feeling this for quite some time - the new year celebration, the new year resolution. I wasn't really buying into that because I have this "Everyday is a new day", 
but this year, it feels a little bit different. I feel like I'm entering a new learning institution
(i.e. school/college/uni). I'm gonna kick-ass learn & study!
That's what I'll do!
2017, bring it on!

Happy New Year!
Happy New Life!

Well, to cut things short as I am somewhat contempt to elaborate it in details -

I was diagnosed with dengue fever the night before the flight took off.

That's about it.

*troll title Suri Hati Mr. Pilot.

I once had a chance of having a small talk over coffee during morning break at a working group workshop with the first Malaysian female fighter pilot, Captain Emilia (no, not Earhart). 

She is now retired from Air Force and serving the civil side in DCA. 

I was surprised when she told me she said no when her son wanted to be a pilot. She told him to consider other option. Despite the high-flying very reputable handsomely paid profession,
why would a mother who is a pilot herself would say no to it?

I initially thought she was concerned with the risk
(silly me, she IS the first Malaysian female fighter pilot and her son requested to be the commercial airline pilot - what comparable risk I'm talking about???)

People have the perception of being a pilot as awesome and cool, but just like the rest -
it is just another job (high-paying ones). However, it is not all rainbow coloured unicorns.
She described of being confined in the cockpit hours on end when she finally realized that she didn't want to spare all her working life in that cramped space. Well yes flying is fun and awesome until you have collected thousands of flight hours and the age is catching up,
the control panel is the last thing you would want to face up all day. She even pitied her friends who are aging and still desperately (not passionately) flying.

So, why - I asked.

Because flying is all they know - and the pay has been so good you wouldn't look elsewhere
even if you feel too old for it. It's too late to catch other skills and even if you do have any other special skill, you wouldn't be paid that well. So technically, they are trapped in the cockpit and the profession. (Aren't most of us?)

It reminds me of our cool lecturer Colonel Ramli who taught us Flight Mechanics & Dynamics. We were so impressed with his flying ability but he cut it out by saying as a matter-of-factly
"After some time (when you get used to it), it is similar to driving a lorry!"
- his way of saying it isn't that complicated and he was not boasting even a little bit.

Real pilots don't say things like "I ada lesen kapal terbang, takkan la I takde lesen motosikal"
or "I tak takut tinggi lah, kalau tidak I tak la jadi pilot...  I bawak kapal terbang tu lagi tinggi."

Someone pretty much good at being the flight attendant instead :P
No offense FAndom.
(May be the scriptwriter is the one at fault :P)


#bukanpilot #bukansuriharimrpilot

...WITH MY NEW BLOG LAYOUT!

Sometimes I forgot how simple thing can make me this happy.

Yes, I do feel like pouring out more often now.

I think I'm done with the code tuning, it was kind of messy initially having forgotten
'the how' and also how rewarding it feels  getting things worked out. Some cool widget has to wait until it'll be good to run it. I guess it will stay like it is for the next seven years

(or forever because I'm never deleting any layout I did in the past).

I was searching for free responsive minimalist layout when I started this and upon downloading, a prerequisite question prompted out - "What is your biggest challenge in blogging?"

And I answered - "The guilt feeling spending time writing despite my endless to-do list!"
There you go. Like honestly.

But I think I gotta sorts all the things in my head by letting them out. It always occur to me that all the repetitive lightbulb moments should have been documented here (just to clear of my head of certain topics) . But what about those bunch of reports, requirements, reviews, emails replies, chores and errands that are chasing after me???

Here I go again.

p.s. : Just for the record - yellow or this golden tint is never my favourite colour. But it worked sooo well with my favourites B&W!

p.p.s. : Told you pink is not my thing, but it just work wonders (for my old layout).

Well, scientifically all the colours mixed together is WHITE, sir.

Here's to a new start. Happy New Year. Salam Maal Hijrah.

Hello. WOW.

Never thought I'd come by this stage, but somehow here I am.
New, fresh, crisp white.
Just like how I think it should be.

The old layout was dated (I've maintained that for more than seven years!!),
it has been quite sometime that I'm considering a change (I was sooo attached to it).
Change the link, put it on private and will definitely import all the relevant posts.

Now with this change, I hope I'd refresh my desire in updating ;P

More tuning needed though.

Will. Be. Back.

Promise.

Yes, I do!

Happy new day, 

4th of January.

Now what has gotten into me.

Tak pe sementara rajin menaip ni, kita tulis je.

Terkenan menaip utk WTF (refer previous post).

So, the last book I've read recently was Catatan Mat Lutfi.

Itu pon masa I was on home-quarantine for conjunctivitis

=___="

I don't know whether it can be considered as reading a book because it feels like reading his blog anyway. Some articles are actually excerpt from his blog but some seemed to be taken direct from his own diary. After all, of late, it's been  how most freelance authors produce books.

Bottom-line, it is interesting. Something I'd definitely suggest to others.
I've always love his work, by  the way. There are parts that move you to tears
and there are parts that burst you out ROTFL.

But this one part just got stuck in my brain.

*bisur'ah - gesaan "Cepat! Cepat!"

Considering the hadith making comparison of Sirat-al-Mustaqim to 'lebih halus daripada rambut dan lebih tajam daripada mata pedang' (Hadith Riwayat Muslim), I'd assumed it will definitely
not visible to our naked eyes.

I really hope and prayed that when the time comes, I'd remember to read Al-Fatihah.

I should have always read it consciously especially in my solat
(you know how we always get on auto-pilot mode).

[1] Dengan nama Allah, Yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Mengasihani.

[2] Segala puji & syukur bagi Allah, 
Tuhan yang memelihara & mentadbirkan sekalian alam.

[3] Yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Mengasihani.

[4] Yang Menguasai pemerintahan hari Pembalasan (hari Akhirat).

[5] Engkaulah sahaja (Ya Allah) Yang Kami berserah,
dan kepada Engkaulah sahaja kami memohon pertolongan.

[6] Tunjukilah kami Sirat-al-Mustaqim.

[7] Iaitu jalan orang-orang yang Engkau telah kurniakan nikmat kepada mereka,
bukan (jalan) orang-orang yang dimurkai, dan bukan pula (jalan) orang-orang yang sesat.

I arrived fashionably late to 2015.

Had a hectic New Year celebration with my niece's aqiqah back in my hometown
and I knew my first few months into the year were shattered
when my director declared a 3 weeks duty travel for me.
My January dissipates just like that.
Well, not just like that like that. Had a twin A330 aircraft deliveries in Toulouse but the task has became so generic it's almost like a holiday (without your love ones, so still not fun!)
and I hate looking forward to the stack of desk jobs pending and piling up upon returning.

 And I don't want to sound ungrateful but I despise winter travels let alone for triple the normal duration. Oh, the freezing temperature, the winter jackets, the thermal wears, the layers of outfits for 3 weeks, the luggage full of food stocks and my babies are awayyyy. 

With the miracle work of Allah, I arrived at Schipol airport boarding room
for our transit flight to a familiar face.
"I know you! Papa Humaira & Naqib!"
 Kelakar jgk la husband Faeza macam redha je jawab,
"Oooo kenal kat blog..."
I knew someday mungkin akan terserempak jugak because we're in the same field,
tapi tak sangka we got to work together for 3 weeks.
Well, work, eat, travel, shopping. Such a kind & dedicated person.

Also had a chance to spend a couple of days in London and a short day trip to Monaco (again) and also Amsterdam. And thanks to my jet-lagged brain, I mistakenly deleted the whole folder
of pictures in my phone (!!!) so basically I have no proof of existence for a whole year.

Other than those of social media.

Shattered. But gotta live with it somehow.

And don't talk to me about cloud.

That kinda sums up my January.

February I turned 23.

And March we turned 5.

And poof, it's almost Ramadhan.

There's this particular thing I (we) had to do that fractured my motivation.
For the record, it is not something unethical to start with. I see it as favour close to pointless turned into obligation that is wrongly placed. Or at least that is how we feel. But we do it thinking somebody will have to do it anyway. May Allah bless us with the reward.

It goes on a rotation cycle of 2 to 3 weeks and the burden is shared among us. 

We call it WTF coz it sounds like one. The thing itself and its content. 

There are days when I'm up to it that I returned home like a zombie and A noticed this.
Well, he kinda understand how the system works but I think he forgot I was with him
before I was even in the public service. What I'm saying is my foot was once set outside
the grass. However, I like the garden I'm currently stepping in except for the fact that
we had to deal with some shits as there are animals crossing. 

Well, that's kinda harsh but I'm not taking it back :P

Every field has its animals anyway.

It's strange the effect WTF has on us. There are days we (my colleagues and I - apparently we share similar symptoms - due to stress, I guess) crave for excessive shopping, binging, sleeping and a list of bad habits. 

So, I told A about my fractured motivation and how it has soaked up all my interest to even do my (common) favourite things. Therefore, on those affected days, I even declared I do not want to run my role as a wife or a mother or even myself. He led me to figure out that I should be doing something different to curb this and I realised that I should be reading books again.
It's not like I have not done enough reading lately, but well, those books on the bookshelves,
you know what I mean.

And I guess blogging is also one of it.

;)

I'm seriously giving you a silent treatment.
Have you even noticed it?
You better be!

In all my words still I would define it as silence.

;P

I have, in fact, questioned my own silence especially when everything started
and keep unfolding themselves (myself, I mean) throughout my moment of silence.
And it has been quite a discovery, I'd say.

And it just occurred to me *yesterday that I was probably in denial. I have to come to term with it. A lot had happened and discretely affecting our life though we pretended like it goes on like it’s supposed to be. We tried to deny it. But it is not something that we can simply defy.


I figured a hole in my soul.


Perasan nak marahkan seseorang atau sesuatu tapi tak ada orang atau perkara
yang boleh disalahkan atau disabitkan kesalahan melainkan hanya redha dan terima.

Aku redha dan terima lubang di jiwa, Ya Allah.
May we all rest in peace.

Just like 'em all.
*yesterday - DCA 2014 video recap

That Monday, I walked into the office not expecting it'd sound that quiet... and deserted,
 when everybody were around (this normally happens when most of the officers are on duty travel, but it wasn't). It was a grave silence. 

Yeah, I have to admit, honestly, posting a blog entry by extracting quotes, parading images;
just for the sake of posting, without really writing; does feel like cheating.

No, I'm not gonna give any excuses on how occupied or busy or eventful or demanding; motherhood, marriage, job, life as a whole; currently are because I know I would be lying
if I say any of those things. I honestly questioned myself the same thing but I have to admit
none of those is the answer.

(Via Pinterest)
Yes, I think all of us should.

Or not, if you truly are... ;)

Therefore I have to say: I chose not to write, I chose to live offline (although not completely...). And no I'm not going to blame my mood either... It's like telling myself, "Yes, I do need this detox." And hell yeah, it does feel so damn good. It's like I'm making a point to myself that all the online part of me is not alive nor it is an extension of myself. I want/have to be able to live without it. 

I think I succeeded somewhere in between the lines.

However, whenever I read good entries or postings, bila membaca tulisan-tulisan yang ikhlas, yang bermakna, yang berjiwa... rasa nak pecah dada rasa nak menulis juga... But I want to be conscious in my writing. Conscious with my messages, conscious with my feelings.

Because there are so many things going inside me, inside my head that need to be pen down,
for myself, mostly. I need a reminder for myself in the first place, and an outlet so I would
at least stop thinking about it (or stop thinking about writing about it...).

Am definitely doing this for myself. 

:)