"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

Someday, baby girl... someday.

Was watching Paul Walker in Hours, where throughout the struggle, the baby finally survived on her own and cried for the first time. She was picked and placed on the chest of her father.

Then A and I both were surprised to hear another crying coming from our bedroom.
She was laying by my side watching the movie along and suddenly she was in the room
after the final scene. Crying ever so sadly.

Wonder what she was up to, I went on to check.
This is of her common act these days to show she's sulking. But out of nowhere?
Why, I wonder.

So I asked why is she so sad.

"Nak babyyyy jugakkk..."
"Nak adikkkk tapi tak dapatttt ponnn"

= ____ ="

So I explained it's within Allah's decree to grant us the blessing.
All we can do now is be patient. I made her promised that when the time comes,
she will be a good big sister.

Told her not to be sad, coz I've been fine all these while,
that her being sad will break my heart.

Trust me it's annoying for people to think it is intentional. 
Keep the unintentional comment aside, say a silent prayer instead - better yet,
for your own insensitive heart.
  • Monday, October 20, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

Starting on a new notebook as my 2013's running out of empty space.

It was last 2 years when I saw it on my superior's table  among all other diaries courtesy of our clientele. Was pleased he willingly gave it to me as he had one too many :D

In my class, I was known as someone who had had problems completing my homework that I'd get whipped on multiple occasions and still come with blank pages (which might be completed
under the desk while the teacher is teaching). I hardly compose a weekly essay assignment where I always had a great intro followed by imaginary content in an empty space.
It is so common that as the teacher walked in, the first thing she asked is for me to stand up for a whip, even if I managed to accomplish a good write-up that week and for all those excruciating time, I would like to apologize to my fellow classmates for the terror I put them through.
Trust me, I feel very sorry and not proud of it.

It took months before the PMR for the teachers to convince me - it’s not about the outcome but the commitment and for the teachers to be convinced - not to worry about the outcome.

My essays were made exemplary a couple of times even when I was out of the school.
The habit and exemplar continued to my next school.

So you may guess where I'm standing when it comes to education.

But I was told I’m a perfectionist which I strongly detest.
And Nakisha rephrased “Because for you, it’s all or nothing. Homework specific.
I had to agree.

I realized that I 'might' secretly feel everything that comes out of/through me is a masterpiece... or at least something of 'worth' which shall not be deliberate as routine tasks. This also answers to my cooking, as I am never capable of meeting the routine expectation.

A decade ago, I told Shera my 2nd year pointers had an exponential growth. To which I answered her “How?” question with, “I have a cool notebook and I make sure no blank space for the note of the day! If I missed a point, I’ll strive to fill it up so I don’t miss any!” Literal, yeah I know.

To which she flatly answered, “That issss soooo you...
I know homework don’t apply. But I’m happy for you.

These days, during all-girls meet-ups, I sometimes get
Tak paham betul how you get where you are” followed with
Dulu dia ni malas betul buat homework!” + laughter (minus mine).

It’s ok, that is even better rather than,
Dulu dia ni gedik/perasan/berlagak betul!

p/s: This post shall also justify my 52 weeks project lack of updates :P
  • Wednesday, October 15, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

A380. MH 21 : CDG-KUL

Here I am, 37 000 feet above the ground.
As I'm writing this, a Hospital Pantai cardialogist is sleeping next to me, my cubicle. I seldom express my gratitude in words as I find nothing can describe it. But I had just finished watching Indonesian '9 Summers 10 Autumns', I'm so overwhelmed with feelings,
I should just capture them in my writing.

Despite the feeling of gratefulness that sometimes wash over me, I always find myself taking things lightly for they are not my first time... Though a lot of things impressed me, I sometimes crave for the feeling of naivete. The first experience. The first impression. These days, eventhough they're the first of kind, I find myself hardly taking it in like my first times.

I do not want the feeling to fade with time, with experience, with multiple repetitions. Because the path I'm strolling is not ordinary. I'm impressed. Not with myself. But the path.
And everything along the path.

We always believe and are grateful that we're the chosen ones.
Out of inconvenient circumstances, we are chosen to represent the credibility of the department. And enjoying the privileges that come with it. To hop continents is one thing,
right to experiencing the world through duty travel in business coach FOC.

I've never pictured myself in a corporate world.
I believe I'm not cut for it. It's simply not my thing.
But now I am experiencing the same world under technical capacity.
I know this is out of ordinary. Putting your opinion out in a room full of world class aviation technical experts, talking to them like good old friends, if not your own uncle;
attending corporate meetings and dinners with the important people, if not the bosses.
How can I not be grateful?

If you told me half a decade ago, I would not believe I'd be doing all these. I was even thinking of changing the course of the path into something totally out of the way as in training or teaching.
But I still do train and teach :)

I once saw a primary school friend back home and she was surprised with the field I am in. 
"Your wish came true," she said. 
I forgot how early I started. I only recall the time the whole class validated my dream to be a pilot before being shot down by one of the best RMAF fighter pilot as I was short-sighted.
I was only 15. I decided to be the aircraft engineer instead.

And my path leads me to it. Allah has written it well. Very well. Perfectly tailored to me. 
He has placed me in the best position of its kind.

I have gotten back my perfect eyesight (other post to follow)
and I'm forever grateful I am not a pilot.
  • Tuesday, May 27, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

My weekdays retreat.

I've been a bit off-course for quite sometimes after our 3 years indoctrination program to meet ICAO qualification as aircraft inspector, now that I was assigned in certification sub-unit under engineering. It's a whole different game that I have to unlearn everything and literally change the brain. I began to doubt myself and became numb. But don't get me wrong, I enjoy this part
of specialisation. I still enjoy playing inspector, but doing certification blew my mind
and I can't help it - I love it every single time.

But I feel dumb for each new cases I encounter and learn and read and learn and read and learn. And I got off-course as I read, 'cause my favourite reading materials are articles/blogs/short stories. Not certification standards.

So I decided that I calculate my daily salary and work to the value of what I'm getting paid for,
or perform more so that the barakah will materialize in other forms.
It's a way to keep myself on track.

And last week, I was 'playing' inspector and was offered a job and double the current salary.
I just laughed it off. And shrugged it off.
They must be kidding.

I know what I'm currently getting is much less as compared to what the industry is paying;
but considering all the things I'm getting : cool colleagues, harmonious working environment, diverse scopes of  knowledge and experiences, paid duty travels, conveniences
(it only takes me 10 minutes drive to the office. I'm out at 8.10 AM and punch in before 8.30 AM!) etc etc, no extra money in the world would be able to buy that!

Then it struck me.
Allah is showing me that I'm getting more out of this! More than just daily salary - that if I were to be paid double the money, it will still not equate to the total value of things I'm getting.

Ya Rahman Ya Rahim.
Help me diligently serve the country.

  • Tuesday, April 15, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

When that someone hug you so tight,
all your broken pieces will stick back together.

So he left yet again...
Yes, I'm saying he's back then he's gone.

I'd say when he returned last fortnight, I wanted him all for myself.
It's like he's gotta make up for all the lost time we've been away.
Two and a half month with 4 days break in between,
I don't think I can tolerate longer than that.

But who am I kidding. He's been away from everybody
and he's gotta make up for everything! In a mere 10 days.

I wanted to fill it up with good ol' 'quality time'
but there were too many things and too little time.
Tried squeezing in things each and everyday left us (ehem me)
with huge brimming bubble of frustation... that popped couple of times
with downpour of tears for absolutely ridiculous reasons.

But he fixed it with ice cream treat, all ears to a long
deep conversation by the roadside.
He just knows his wife too well and I'm all cured.

He's just away and he's not around.
That - does not make him absent.

  • Monday, March 31, 2014


That Monday, I walked into the office not expecting it'd sound that quiet... and deserted,
 when everybody were around (this normally happens when most of the officers are on duty travel, but it wasn't). It was a grave silence. 

We were literally mourning only after 48 hours. 
It's not like we stopped having hopes.
But our technical capacity tells us anything beyond it is miracle.

I walked to the pantry, a place where we can talk technical issues informally and throw stupid questions without being judged. It's like our kedai kopi. An info-cultured kedai kopi cum informal meeting room where everybody talk, everybody listen, everybody learn. 

There were the frequent participants but it was strangely quiet, conversations were made in low tone voices. It's almost like everybody was whispering. Overheard our Deputy Director who is a 'maintenance' subject matter expert (SME) threw questions to our avionics SME on equipment installation, accessibility and control etc. Here, we know we are not the expert of everything. And we acknowledge the fact that somebody else may know more than we do.
We seek information and facts. But not truth. Truth is not within our workscope.

It never fails to amaze me when non-experts dare to open their mouth and blabber.
My benchmark are all these experienced aviation experts around me who would rather keep quiet for they know that they do not know the extent of the situation for them to speak up.
So those of you who keep talking, what do you want? To get to the truth? Like seriously?
Just by talking and posting on FB and spreading things on Whatsapp? Who are you? Next-of-kin? Will truth do you good, change the your life?

It has changed our life.
It has changed Malaysia.
It has changed the history.

Not only we should accept that it has happened, The All-Knowing let it happened.
Given the current situation, it is so hard to get to  the information and facts.
And therefore, the truth.
The All-Knowing will lead us there.

We have to practice more to be practicing.

It has became more quiet and deserted since then
now they're (SMEs) on site supporting the Director General.

For more info:
  • Thursday, March 27, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

"Mama, nak tenok termin..."

I was getting ready for work.
Knew something was up when she said it,
turned around & saw both eyes were made up. 
Top & bottom lash lines.
I was there ALL THE WHILE.
Didn't realize when she took it...
and it's not the 1st time! 

  • Friday, March 07, 2014

As she gets older...

...it will get harder, I presume.
I'm not anticipating the 'hard' part but it gets harder each day now that she's able to
speak her mind and express her feelings; outwardly or subtly.

Her 1st question each and every morning when she wakes up...
Her 1st question each and everytime we enter our house...
"Mama, abah mana?"
...never failed to break my heart a little.

It isn't like she doesn't know.
And I would then throw the question back to her
and she would have a descriptive answer that follows.
She knows and she keeps asking.

Maybe it is me she's trying to convince?

One night, I was crying over a romantic movie and she came, wiped away my tears and said,
"Dah... dah... eh? Nanti abah balik..."
I wonder where that came from??!!

He texted me this short movie the other day and I cried a river.
  • Wednesday, March 05, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

She loves it.

It's shameful to admit that we've been living here for almost 4 years but just recently discovered Taman Equestrian Putrajaya is open to public! Plus, it's just 2 km away from our house! 

I guess we'll be making more short trips in the future!

  • Monday, February 24, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

Quiet getaway.

He told me he’ll be back for 2 weeks, initially.
Then it’s reduced to 10 days. And finally it was only 4.
Totally opposite.

We were out & about when he received that phone call.
THAT phone call. It was his superior. And his first sentence was,
Kau bagitau wife kau aku mintak maaf sgt2.
Bos mintak maaf kat bini subordinate.
Kau hado?

He laughed. I said sheepishly, “Bonus full tahun ni!
I should have said, “Get my account no, I should get my portion!

And 2 of that 4 days he’s assigned for a local job.
It was hectic. I had an important meeting on my birthday & ended the day packing up
for a late night road trip. No celebration.

He came back from work the next day profusely saying sorry for forgetting it. I said it's ok.
I know birthday is such a biggie for some people... but not me. I love celebrating but not when it's me being celebrated. Told him I prefer quiet celebration. No crowd.
And being with him that day at a special place is enough for me :)

  • Monday, February 17, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

An abandoned wishlist item that somehow became mine.

I was making dinner when there was knocking on the front door... and Qyrin Aulia screamed out of terror as she was playing alone in the entryway. It sure scared the living daylight out of her. 
I have a feeling he was coming home considering he was very secretive through out the day.
He is lousy at making surprises. 

When he unpacked, he handed me a small paper bag. Thought it was a perfume since he told me his perfume ran out and I guess he could have bought for me as well. And I was ecstatic!
It has been in my 2013 wishlist but I have crossed it out knowing I don't need it and this is just one of my 'wants'. And he never knew about it either. I almost bought it at half price using
in-flight coupons but I ended up passing them to a friend & it felt so much better!
My full set took years to finish... but having a travel kit is super! Alhamdulillah ;D

He was proud with the surprise, but I was a lil disheartened (but delighted with the gift, nonetheless) knowing he must have forgotten my birthday in 2 days (where he could have kept it until the day itself). Which he truly did.
  • Tuesday, February 11, 2014

365 - 52 project

I started a 365 project early this year only to realized I forgot about it after day 8. 365 is too much for me, undoubtedly. Discovering 52 project fires me up again. Why didn't I think of it before, blame it on the over-achieving goal-setting :P

I need something I can commit & adhere to.

So I'd probably be posting backdated entries.

A recording of what I'm grateful for. 
A potrait of my kid, once a week, every week. Or both.
'Cause both are the same :)

  • Wednesday, February 05, 2014

30 Rocks!

It's the time of the year and I'm turning a year older.
Here's my only recap of my preceding year.
Thirty freaking rocks.
Thirty is NOT the new twenty.
Thirty beats the pants off every single year of twenties

This is where I want to be. I know by the time I'm 50, or 70,
it is exactly where I want to be.
Looking at 23-, 25-, 27-year-old me
 I wouldn't trade anything I've cultivated within me being 30.
Be it for the thigh gap or those flat tummy.
It is within. 
The mind, the way of thinking, the maturity,
the acceptance, the calmness.

I still do not have everything figured out...
but witnessing the most productive decade thrills you
to unfold the next.
  • Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Ending of the first month

Whatever happened to 'new year'... 
A lot of things going on inside me they just don't find a way to spill out.
I can do better because I have a lot to do... and do better.
I may have not given enough credit to myself for the things I've done well... where I should.

I was going through my 2013 wishlist and found it empty.
(It's a simple list - a note in the phone and I deleted
the items I managed to fulfill as time goes by)
It startled and scared me a lil bit.
The fact that ALL items came true by the end of 2013.
And the fact that my future wishlist may come true just as well.
Above all, Alhamdulillah. 

My 2013 wishlist is based on 'material' acquisition.
I know I should change the rule of the game.

I stop wanting much (well... certain things) but I have a feeling that my 2014 wishlist will not be empty by the end of the year and will be carried forward for coming year and the next. 
InsyaAllah & Bi iznillah.

Remember that what you now have
was once among the things you only hope for.

  • Friday, January 31, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week." 

Reaching its 20 next year.
Satria 1995. First edition.

It has been with me for the past 9 freaking good years. Kalau kat Jepun, ni dah kira boleh masuk kilang besi buruk, tak pon dah jadi tukun tiruan. But you underestimate it not. 
Still good, still running, still rocking it.
I'm lovin' it.

And it is still a laughing stock to us all, especially at the office.
But I'm proud of it.

It was a gift. From my father.
And it says it all.
Am keeping it for my daughter, most probably :P

It is not thoroughly everything it was 20 years ago. 
Changed quite a number of things, except for the owner ;)
And the last change was the skin. I wanted it unique. 
Only to come back and see a twin within the housing.
And noticing the colour is recent trending... =_="

There's this wise brilliant hilarious top level officer we always look up to.
He drives an old Aeroback. We call it Skyline. He would still think we're referring to the city horizon. He's just cool like that. And it's cool to see him parked along with company CEOs and managers when we go for field audits. It's not like he doesn't have any other car,
but he's cool like that. Pernah sekali we were chatting in the pantry after lunch when he said, "Jam bateri saya mati... so saya pergi kedai nak tukar bateri... Orang tu cakap bateri harga RM 20.
Saya terkejut sebab bateri lagi mahal drpd jam."
He was obviously pulling a joke and intentionally telling us.
Nak pengsan kitorang gelak. It looked just as nice and if he didn't tell, we wouldn't know.
And he was proud of his Blueberry (BUKAN Blackberry). Before having one, he would imitate us by touching his screen as if he's scrolling... and when we asked, he would say,
"Tak lah, saya tgh buang habuk." Hahaha. Pengsan kitorg lagi skali.
He is just that inspiring.
Truly an inspiration.
  • Monday, January 13, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child;
once a week, every week."

The best accessory to your hand
is somebody else's hand.

'twas on our way to the airport sending him off for his 1st assignment of the year...
It never gets any easier particularly after a so-called longgg break.
He said he's been home for a month,
I said, "Husband org lain ada kat rumah sepanjang tahun..." :P
Hoho. I know I'm bad for saying that. Neither it's easy on his part nor he likes missing out on things... and going to a remote foreign place with scarcity of halal food and limited internet connectivity... I don't want to get started on that.

So I guess this is it, for now.
  • Wednesday, January 08, 2014


"A photograph of what I'm grateful for/my child 
once a week, every week."

With her favourite thing during new year's picnic.

Our current favourite pastime - giant bubble.
Learnt mixing the bubble solution, DIY, big saver. 
Tips for you out there - JOY dishwasher is now sold locally.

So blessed our place is surrounded by bunch of beautiful gardens
we could go anytime we want sans the weekend crowd.
Even so, we personally know secluded areas
just for a brief evening walk and talk.

It feels like heaven... sometimes.
Except knowing heaven is above and beyond.

A friend recently asked me "How do you think heaven looks like?"
"Each and every leave is in rainbow spectrum of colours," I said.
I think. Can't imagine it, honestly.
I hope we would all gather there someday.
And witness whether it is true... :)

  • Thursday, January 02, 2014