I arrived fashionably late to 2015.

Had a hectic New Year celebration with my niece's aqiqah back in my hometown
and I knew my first few months into the year were shattered
when my director declared a 3 weeks duty travel for me.
My January dissipates just like that.
Well, not just like that like that. Had a twin A330 aircraft deliveries in Toulouse but the task has became so generic it's almost like a holiday (without your love ones, so still not fun!)
and I hate looking forward to the stack of desk jobs pending and piling up upon returning.

 And I don't want to sound ungrateful but I despise winter travels let alone for triple the normal duration. Oh, the freezing temperature, the winter jackets, the thermal wears, the layers of outfits for 3 weeks, the luggage full of food stocks and my babies are awayyyy. 

With the miracle work of Allah, I arrived at Schipol airport boarding room
for our transit flight to a familiar face.
"I know you! Papa Humaira & Naqib!"
 Kelakar jgk la husband Faeza macam redha je jawab,
"Oooo kenal kat blog..."
I knew someday mungkin akan terserempak jugak because we're in the same field,
tapi tak sangka we got to work together for 3 weeks.
Well, work, eat, travel, shopping. Such a kind & dedicated person.

Also had a chance to spend a couple of days in London and a short day trip to Monaco (again) and also Amsterdam. And thanks to my jet-lagged brain, I mistakenly deleted the whole folder
of pictures in my phone (!!!) so basically I have no proof of existence for a whole year.

Other than those of social media.

Shattered. But gotta live with it somehow.

And don't talk to me about cloud.

That kinda sums up my January.

February I turned 23.

And March we turned 5.

And poof, it's almost Ramadhan.

There's this particular thing I (we) had to do that fractured my motivation.
For the record, it is not something unethical to start with. I see it as favour close to pointless turned into obligation that is wrongly placed. Or at least that is how we feel. But we do it thinking somebody will have to do it anyway. May Allah bless us with the reward.

It goes on a rotation cycle of 2 to 3 weeks and the burden is shared among us. 

We call it WTF coz it sounds like one. The thing itself and its content. 

There are days when I'm up to it that I returned home like a zombie and A noticed this.
Well, he kinda understand how the system works but I think he forgot I was with him
before I was even in the public service. What I'm saying is my foot was once set outside
the grass. However, I like the garden I'm currently stepping in except for the fact that
we had to deal with some shits as there are animals crossing. 

Well, that's kinda harsh but I'm not taking it back :P

Every field has its animals anyway.

It's strange the effect WTF has on us. There are days we (my colleagues and I - apparently we share similar symptoms - due to stress, I guess) crave for excessive shopping, binging, sleeping and a list of bad habits. 

So, I told A about my fractured motivation and how it has soaked up all my interest to even do my (common) favourite things. Therefore, on those affected days, I even declared I do not want to run my role as a wife or a mother or even myself. He led me to figure out that I should be doing something different to curb this and I realised that I should be reading books again.
It's not like I have not done enough reading lately, but well, those books on the bookshelves,
you know what I mean.

And I guess blogging is also one of it.

;)

I'm seriously giving you a silent treatment.
Have you even noticed it?
You better be!

In all my words still I would define it as silence.

;P

I have, in fact, questioned my own silence especially when everything started
and keep unfolding themselves (myself, I mean) throughout my moment of silence.
And it has been quite a discovery, I'd say.

And it just occurred to me *yesterday that I was probably in denial. I have to come to term with it. A lot had happened and discretely affecting our life though we pretended like it goes on like it’s supposed to be. We tried to deny it. But it is not something that we can simply defy.


I figured a hole in my soul.


Perasan nak marahkan seseorang atau sesuatu tapi tak ada orang atau perkara
yang boleh disalahkan atau disabitkan kesalahan melainkan hanya redha dan terima.

Aku redha dan terima lubang di jiwa, Ya Allah.
May we all rest in peace.

Just like 'em all.
*yesterday - DCA 2014 video recap